ղľáԾ
(Extract)
Let’s call himKarsten: it’s one ofthose stupid, unreal sounding names. Thetwo bully-boys orhand rubbers, whocircled around Karsten, rubbing their hands, as ifitching tohave a go, they were notinteresting. They were just twomad Frankensteins anticipating thepleasure ofwhat they were about tocreate with their ownhands. That’s howthey referred tohim, too – as if hewasn’t there yet, as iftheir intervention wasneeded tobring him tolife. Karsten expected one ofthem to bethe goodie, theother thebaddie, butboth ofthem looked like baddies. Although itwasn’t really
their fault that they were notinteresting. There wasnothing Karsten would have found interesting atthis stage. Theonly thing that wasleft was asubconscious, mechanical curiosity ofthe senses, registering howscuffed andbattered thebig yellow desk was, andthe leak patches onthe wall. Butthat, too, hejust sawrather than thought.
He wanted them tostart beating him. Notbecause hecould notstand thewaiting; he actually liked theidea. That wasthe kind ofstate hewas in. Itwas thefreedom ofpure desperation, ablack freedom, andall that wasneeded tomake itcomplete wasthe drubbing. Hewas ready to besick allover himself after thefirst blow, andthe thought made himsmile. After all, nothing was atstake. Hewas notworried that hemight give away anything they didnot already know. Ifthey hadmanaged tolure himout of aquiet, remote, village inAustria into Vienna’s Russian zone, andhad had notrouble spiriting himacross theborder, they already knew much more than hedid. And bythis hemeant notjust assorted conspiratorial nonsense. Howmuch could those primitive thugs know about theworld? Butobviously they didknow more, since they possessed theultimate knowledge andmade Karsten realize what theworld really wasabout: theworld wasGod’s unthoughtof spit.
At this point thethird manentered and assoon as hedid so, Karsten knew hewas the goodie. Thedangerous one. Hewas prepared forhim, butwhat usewas that when hewas notprepared forhimself.
He didnot know ornotice ifthe mangave thetwo thugs some sort ofsignal, but in asecond they vanished without aword. Hedid notnotice until heheard thedoor slam, and hesuddenly felt mindlessly grateful tothe man. As ifyour coat gotsmudged with distemper and astranger dusted itoff foryou.
The manstopped inthe middle ofthe room, right beneath thelamp. Thelight picked out athin face with twolong crevices along thecheeks andmade hisnose cast along shadow, as if asecond mouth hadopened up inhis skull.
“Well, then, welcome home,“ hesaid. Another shadow, this time asmile, appeared on hisface. Hereached into hisjacket pocket – hewas wearing acreased grey suit with anopen collar shirt – andtook out abox ofcigarettes. Now he’s going tooffer meone, thought Karsten, andindeed, without saying aword, theman thrust thebox towards himacross thedesk. Karsten, thedefiant andincorruptible, wasdetermined toturn down thecigarette. Butthat washis head talking; hishand reached for it.
The manplanted oneside ofhis rear onthe corner ofthe desk; hewas standing on oneleg, which wasextended, andsitting onthe other, which wasbent atthe knee. This isthe wayyoung gymteachers sometimes sit atschool when it’s their turn totake ahistory class. “To behonest,“ hesaid andKarsten could notresist aninward smile: to behonest! “you yourself, as anindividual, are of nointerest to us atall. Theidea was togive asignal,“ heglanced atKarsten, adding, just to besure, “a signal showing that wewill dowhat we’ve planned to do, inAustria oranywhere else. Youyourself arenot important, just arandom character, youhave simply, let’s put itthis way, happened todraw theshort straw.“ Theroom smelled ofstale sweat, as if ithad notchanged itsunderwear for along time; ormaybe itwas Karsten whosmelled ofstale sweat, only hehadn’t been aware of ituntil now. “That iswhy wewon’t bother debriefing you. There’s nopoint. Aman wholets himself besnatched, like ababy from apram...“ Hesmiled atKarsten, as iftrying tokiss these words better forhim. “Well, butnow that you’re here – what are we to dowith you? Howabout some coffee?“ heasked suddenly, jumping offthe desk andshouting through thedoor that hadbeen left ajar: “Two coffees!“
Yes, quite, what is to bedone with me, Karsten thought. First ofall, Ihave tostop giving offthis smell. Iwill count tothree: one – two – three! Thesmell ofsweat didsubside, butonly because atthe count of “three“ Karsten subconsciously held hisbreath.
“In thelong run,“ said theman as hecame back, “ – areyou unwell, you’ve gone all red? ...in thelong run wehave some plans, ofcourse, insix months or in ayear, when thedust hassettled abit over thewhole affair, apress conference will beorganized andyou will sayyou were sent here tocarry outsabotage activities buthave come torealize theadvantages ofsocialism anddecided tocontribute toits construction, something along those lines. That youcannot goagainst thepeople, youalways have totake theside ofthe people. I’m sure you’ll find theright form ofwords. Andafter
that you’ll beput incharge of apublishing house orperhaps given ahigher-ranking job atthe Ministry ofInformation, inthe National Front, something like that. I’m just giving you arough outline, because ultimately itwill be apolitical decision. Andafter that,“ hesmiled, wiping hismouth with hissmile as if itwere anapkin, “everything will belike in afairytale, andyou’ll live happily ever after.“
Karsten was alittle irritated bythe fact that theman was presenting everything as adone deal although, infact, heought tohave been pleased. Heknew theman waslying, and if itwas not hewho wasdoing thelying, then itwas one ofhis superiors, who, inturn wasbeing lied to, and so on. What isthe point ofmessing with apyramid oflies ifthe onetelling them right atthe top isGod.
Meanwhile one ofthe thugs must have come in, asthe coffee was onthe table. Hesmelled itfirst andonly afterwards did herealize itwas there. “Have adrink“, theman encouraged him, “coffee isgood for ahangover.“ Helooked atKarsten with abenign interest, as ifexpecting him toburn hislips, andcasually rocked back onthe chair’s hind legs. Karsten could notsee butguessed that hehad rested hisfeet on apulled-out drawer. Itwas proper coffee, made with real coffee beans.
“Anyway, as Iwas saying,“ said theman after Karsten had removed thecup from hislips, “all that isstill along wayoff andmeanwhile itwould be ashame tohave youidling allthis time away. Idleness,“ hesaid giving him awink and asmile that washalf ironic andhalf conspiratorial, “idleness isnot good forthe morale. So I’ve been saying tomyself, after allyou’ve gotlots offriends here, whynot have youcarry out alittle bit ofresearch among them.“
Here we go, Karsten thought. Hehad hisown plan, onethat would cross theman’s andprobably God’s aswell; actually itwasn’t really aplan asyet, just anintention, but hebelieved hewould beable topull itoff. After all, this waswhat hisblack freedom wasabout. Nevertheless, quite absurdly, hefelt sorry atfirst tohave todisappoint theman, this nice one atthat, just when heseemed sohappy rocking inhis chair. Immediately afterwards, even more absurdly, hebecame anxious for amoment that they might notlet himfinish offhis coffee. Slyly, like achild, hedecided hewould letthe mansay what hehad tosay, andquickly grabbed thecup with both hands.
“It will take some time until your escape“ - uttering this word elicited another half ironic andhalf conspiratorial smile -- “is discovered; ourcolleagues onthe other side will be in norush toboast about it. Andanyway, initially they won’t even know what’s happened. So wecan bequite sure wehave about amonth andthat will beplenty. Now, about thething Iwant you to do. Don’t worry, itwon’t beanything difficult.“
Listening tohim Karsten wassurprised, not bythe words but bythe fact that theman whowas leaning back onhis chair wasactually sosmall, that there was solittle ofhim and ofhis body andthat there wasthis deep voice that went with this slight body. Itgave himadditional substance, weight, as if aheavy brass bell layhidden inside hisbelly. Theman wasevidently happy inside hisbody; itwas theright size forhim. Hemoved about in itquite freely andconfidently, apparently notconcerned about facing aman ofKarsten’s bulk. He’s got itall tried andtested, Karsten thought, although what hereally should have been thinking washow easy would it be tokick him off hischair. To behonest, athought along these lines didflash through hismind butKarsten knew that this wasn’t hissort ofthing andanyway, hisfreedom wasn’t quite asblack either. Itmay have been more black, but in adifferent way.
“You’ll make therounds ofyour friends pretending you’ve come back illegally toorganize resistance; youwon’t have to gointo anydetail, just drop afew vague hints tofind out ifthey might beinterested injoining. That’s all.“
He spoke in alow andsomewhat lazy voice, with long pauses between sentences, as ifeverything important hadbeen settled along time agoand nowthey were just biding their time with this casual conversation.
“I don’t want you toset upany organizations, plan any activities, collect anyincriminating evidence, nothing ofthe sort. Weknow what your friends arelike, weknow their attitude toour regime andsooner orlater we’ll pick them up, all atonce orone byone, depending onthe situation. These people have already been proved guilty bytheir entire past, so tospeak, and if bychance weare missing anyevidence they will supply itthemselves; wedon’t need youfor that. Soyou don’t have tohave anyscruples.” Hesmiled as if hewere referring to abirthmark onhis rear; something intimate andhidden butendearing. “Personally – regard thewhole thing as mypersonal affair – I amonly interested intheir reaction. Theexpression ontheir face, what they say, that sort ofthing. Totally insignificant from thepoint ofview ofcriminal law. Andthat’s what youwill report to me.”
Or perhaps you’re only interested in myreaction, thought Karsten. Hehad come to adecision nowthat hiscoffee wasfinished, thegrounds from thelast sipstill between histeeth, andconsciously didnot paytoo much attention tothe man’s words although somewhere inthe left corner ofhis head hewas almost physically aware that theactivated strip ofhis cerebral cortex wasregistering these words, assessing them andseeing them offagain with abackpack full ofquestions. Howdoes thefellow think this would work? Does heintend towalk with himaround town, escorting himfrom house tohouse? Howcan he besure hewon’t just runoff somewhere inthe street? That hewon’t take advantage ofthe right moment? Orwill hedrop him ateach house door inhis car? Securing himwith handcuffs while they walk upthe stairs? Andhow can hemake sure Karsten won’t alert hispartners? Will he besilently present during allthese conversations? But inthat case, what will there befor Karsten toreport? And towhom? This stream ofquestions ranparallel in alittle trickle inhis brain.
“I don’t understand,” hesaid eventually, feeling that too much time hadpassed. “I don’t understand what you’re aiming at orhow youintend tocarry itout inpractice. Doyou want acouple ofyour policemen toescort mearound these people, waiting inthe hallway while Italk tothese people?” Karsten hoped theirony inhis voice wasclearly audible despite histiredness. “But none ofthis matters anyway, because Iwon’t squeal. That’s out ofthe question. Youmight aswell shoot meright away.”
The mansmiled patiently, almost affectionately. “Don’t be so gung-ho. If we’d wanted toshoot you wewould have done sostraight away andwould nothave had tohaul youacross theborder. Itwould nothave broken ourhearts, believe you me.” Helowered hisfeet tothe ground andstood up. Even when he
was standing upthere wasn’t much more ofhim. Unwittingly, subconsciously, Karsten noticed that thefolds inhis jacket sleeves didnot straighten outeven after theman stretched hisarms and hethought: what aklutz. Can’t they kittheir people out insomething decent?
“If youhad been paying attention,” theman said, sinking his hands into hispockets andstarting towalk upand down theroom, “you’d have noticed that nobody said anything about squealing. They will squeal onthemselves if wewant them to. I’m interested inyour observations because youknow these people, that’s all. Anddon’t youworry about thelogistics.” Suddenly heturned around andconfronted Karsten. “Ok, I’ll give youtime tothink about it. Let menow askyou adifferent question. Doyou know where your wife andsons are atthis precise moment?”
Karsten came to, as ifsomeone hadslapped him onthe neck with theflat of ahand: out of aslumber andinto adaze. Howmuch time might they need tolet himknow… Before hisabduction hehad been expecting tohear from them atany moment. Forthe last time… Buteven ifthey were still here, surely Helebrant would have hidden them sowell that they could not, would not befound. No, hemust notfall forthis one.
“No,” hereplied honestly. “You’re wasting your time.”“Somewhere across theborder, isthat what youthink?” The man turned hisgaze away andstarted walking upand down again. “That’s what they think too. Butthey’re not.” Hetook hisright hand out ofhis pocket, first spreading hisfingers wide apart then making afist slowly, with asmile. Itwas aperfect smile, jolly, almost playful butits effect, combined with thegesture, wastoxic. “Like this,” hesaid. “This ishow we’ve gotthem, only they don’t know ityet. Wehaven’t squeezed them tight yet.”
“You’re wasting your time, ” Karsten said again.“You don’t believe me?”“No.” Karsten raised hishead looking theman inthe eye. “Why should Ibelieve you? You’ve already lied to me meonce; that’s why I’m here. That wasenough.”
The mannodded with satisfaction, taking twosteps, then another two. “It’s notthe done thing tolie, is it? Lying is asin? Bythe way, itwasn’t uswho lied, itwas theAustrian policeman wholied toyou, and he’ll go toconfession. TenHail Marys and he’ll be aspure asdriven snow again. Isn’t that how itworks? Foryou, religious people?”
Karsten felt that theman hadstopped andwas watching him but herefused toraise hiseyes from thedesk. Itwas hisform ofdefiance, hecould think of noother way. “Ok,” theman started moving again, “you canbelieve me ornot, that’s your business. Just listen to mecarefully. Your wife andsons were planning tocross theborder, isn’t that what youhad arranged? Icannot reveal anydetails but atthis very moment they believe they are in areception camp onthe other side ofthe border, being interrogated by anAmerican officer. And atour command, hecan letthem continue ontheir way, this time really toBavaria, or wewill nabthem like allthe others andthrow them into jail. Itall depends onyou.”
Karsten waited for amoment, then shrugged hisshoulders in thecontinuing silence.
“Well, ifyou don’t, Icertainly won’t beshedding anytears for them. Between youand me, that wife ofyours…” This time Karsten had tolook athim since theman satdown atthe desk right across from himand picked up apiece ofpaper. “What atalker…” Heshook hishead. “All that empty chatter. Icouldn’t stand having that sort ofwife around.” Hetossed thepiece ofpaper away carelessly and as itwas flying Karsten thought hecould seeagainst thelight that itwas blank, with nowriting on it. “But thelittle ladies andtheir maids have nothing better to do. Cilka, isn’t that right? That wasyour maid’s name?”
Karsten gave astart. Cilka! Oh, butCilka hadleft them two years ago, they could easily have gother name from another source. They could have found out byaccident, from some oftheir acquaintances, during aninterrogation forinstance. They could have…. where was itshe got ajob? AtCvernovka, theyarn factory? Shemight have mentioned herprevious employer in anapplication form. Buthow would they know they used tocall herCilka?
“To behonest with you, anddon’t take itpersonally, weare not interested inlayabouts like your wife. Lether goand take theboys ifshe thinks she’ll bebetter offthere. Atleast they won’t bepoisoning the atmosphere around here anylonger. Onthe other hand, they broke thelaw, sowhy should we belenient? Thestuff your wife hasblathered outamounts almost tohigh treason, and asfor theboys … theboys could besent for re-education, andthey might turn outall right oneday. Ofcourse, they won’t want tohave anything to dowith their mother andfather after that.” Allthis in ameasured tone, almost amonotone, butnow theman suddenly leaned back inhis chair again andlaughed outloud. “Do youknow what your sons took with them? Forthe journey?” Hegave Karsten acurious look, still smiling. “Tennis racquets! Would youbelieve that?”
Karsten swallowed, that wasall hecould manage. Wasthat possible? Theboys didhave racquets andthey were atthat silly age… Could Irena have gone completely mad? Hewanted toshake hishead atleast, but hecouldn’t manage even that.
“Except youdon’t believe me, doyou? What apity, because if youwere more cooperative, wemight turn ablind eyeand bemore helpful toyour family. It depends only onyou. Butyou’d have todecide quite fast, wecan’t keep them inthat reception centre forever. Sleep on it, andthen…”
“Guarantee?” Karsten tried tocome outwith theword but itstuck tohis palate and hehad toclear histhroat before repeating it, in afull sentence:
“What’s theguarantee?”“That we’ll letthem go?“ Theman continued rocking onhis chair with hishands clasped behind hishead; now hestopped mid-movement andleaned back. “None. Icould give you myword butthen youwon’t believe it.“ Slowly helowered thechair onto itsfour legs. “If youlike, Ican give it toyou onpaper with astamp and asignature, butwho would youshow it to? Imean, if wedon’t keep toour side ofthe bargain... whowould youcomplain to? Just think about it!“
Karsten felt theman wasmocking him, butwhen helooked up hisface wasserious. That is, itstill hadthe shadows from thelamp underneath hisnose and onhis cheeks butotherwise itwas expressionless. Indifferent.
“A guarantee that youare really holding them,” hesaid.“You mean tangible proof? Well, Ican’t show them toyou,
they’re toofar away forthat. Another cigarette?” Hepicked upthe boxand thrust ittowards Karsten but hejust shook hishead insilence. Hefelt that accepting this gift would weaken hisnegotiating position. “And theplace has tostay secret inany case.” Theman gently squeezed thecigarette between histhumb andindex finger, licked oneend andput it inhis mouth. “You just have totake myword for it,” hemumbled with thecigarette between hislips andthen, after lighting upand exhaling some smoke, headded more distinctly: “Or don’t have to. That’s entirely up toyou. Allthis isunofficial, just between youand me.”
“Could I…” Karsten started andhad toclear histhroat again, “I need to go tothe toilet.” Hefelt hecould notlisten tothis manany more; he nolonger understood himproperly; itseemed as if hewere speaking in aforeign language, onethat Karsten hadonce studied atschool buthad long since forgotten.
“You will betaken toyour cell in aminute,” said theman, getting up. “There will be atoilet there. Getsome sleep toclear your head and we’ll talk again inthe morning.” Heopened thedoor tothe adjoining room slightly andshouted, without looking in: “Send inthe guard!” Then hereturned tothe desk andafter taking alast drag, extinguished hiscigarette in atin ashtray that reminded Karsten of apreserve jartop.
Another door opened behind Karsten’s. Heturned around and saw auniformed figure inthe corridor. Theman went around thedesk, took Karsten bythe elbow andled himoutside.
“I hope shehad abig dowry atleast,” hesaid out ofthe blue. “Or perhaps she’s really good inbed?” Helaughed andclosed thedoor before Karsten could figure outwhat hewas talking about.
Translated by
Julia andPeter Sherwood
